sarqasm

The morning grogginess fails as a deterrent from the familiar sounds accompanying my commute. It was the sound from a recent unforgettable moment. As I listened to the melodious music, the past and the present seemed to occur simultaneously, as I was transported to another familiar location.

The floor is crowded; strangers without faces are jostling for position. The colours that reflect from the ceiling seem to illuminate the point I am standing on. With each step an array of patterns dazzle the tiles ahead. Yet despite all the obvious distractions, everything comes to a standstill as she grasps my hand and pulls me right into the middle of everything.

Everything, it could have been, and at the same time, the room could have been empty, it would not have mattered. The sound of her voice was unmistakeable, harmonious, far above the chatter of insignificance. She attempts to raise her voice; little does she know, all I can comprehend are her words.We exchange glances and I am mazed in her eyes. Her supple lips curl up into an alluring smile. She tempts me with a slight gyration. She is all that I notice, the only one that matters.My eyes fix on her as I inch closer with bated breath. She leans in teasingly, almost as if she will pull away at any given second. My eyes, dreamy, and hers, angelic. Her beauty uncomparable, her movements bewitching. We could have danced forever.

The music stops and the moments drift apart. I am back in the present, with my thoughts millions of miles away. It feels like a dream, yet the sweetest aspect of it is that, in fact, it is real. 

Dedicated to Elizabeth Koh, for our first clubbing experience together.

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WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
we fly down to hong kong, i ask you to marry me and you say yes, but it seems like you regret it more and more every single day since then. so i'm at a loss.
you tell me i make you happy, much more so than anyone else. how can i believe it when sometimes its a lie so blatant? 
you suffer from insomnia and issues and you seek solace from someone else when i was there, when i offered.
what am i? transparent?
i'm happy that someone else cheers you up and honestly, if i can't or if i'm being a fucked up boyfriend and sleeping, then yes for the love of god please turn to someone else. but i wasn't. i was wide awake and waiting. and you turned away. if i can't do a good job just tell me.
back it up when you claim that i make you happy, that i make you safe.
i don't regret, not for one second, falling in love with you but why are you trying to pull away.
how can you blame me for being insecure when in a matter of days i will be so damn fucking far away the only method of communication will be phone calls, and only god knows if you'll actually turn to me.
why was it not me.
where was the reassurance last night?

you tell me.

i'm sorry that i'm leaving. some days i feel unworthy of the love you shower on me because i'm leaving. but you tell it i'm worth it, you tell me it doesn't matter. i cannot even begin to comprethend how shattered i'll be if everything just falls apart. it will be foolish to think the distance will have no effect but it will be even more so if i give up the one thing you've given to me, the one thing i've always wished to have, the one thing that has eluded me for all of twenty years. i will not let anything jeopardize the something special that we have. i will make this last for as long as you love me for. i love you and i hope you know how much you and all of this means to me. always and forever might be premature, but on my part, it is not, and will never be, an exaggeration.

what is this unfamiliar feeling that accompanies me when i am awake?
it is definitely love, but i know i have loved before.
no, it is much more.
it is the willingness of sacrifice, the ability of selflessness,
it is loving her more than loving myself
the euphoria of seeing her for the first time, a euphoria that repeats itself every single day.
it is on the borderline of obssession.
is it healthy?
it is how i would take tremendous and endless amounts of pain to protect her.
it is how i will do anything within or even beyond my power to evoke happiness in her.
if it is love, how is this love different from the love i had felt before?
how is it that i cannot fathom the potential of losing her?
if true love exists this must be it.
all that i had once before was just a passe.
how is it that i can already see forever?
how can anyone understand this feeling unless they have felt it before?
it is not explainable in words.
how can anything compare to this?
is this real? is it normal?
do you feel the same way?

inadequacies are never comparable with insecurities
i am insecure out of fear, inadequate out of reason
is it wrong to be insecure? am i the only one?
i know for sure i am not the only one who feels i am inadequate for you.
i know it shouldn't matter.
what is this darkness that keeps me from sleep?
that drives me to the annals of nightmares
that is worsened by vivid imagination
is it merely inadequacy, or insecurity?
is it a tricky, intertwined complexity of both?
is it a bad thing?
it is this very same darkness that drives me to overcome myself
to try effortlessly
to be a person worth sacrificing for.
will the darkness eat me alive, or propel me to greatness?
does this darkness have a name? is it your name?

i dream of falling. not literally in the sense of the word but slumping to a low previously unrecognised. i'm looking at you with those familiar eyes, the ones that radiate every bit of warmth and love my heart can express. i'm talking to you about things that do not seem to matter. your nonchalance scares me. you shrug me off with disinterest. you glance into the distance, the attractive unknown. I turn to steal a sight of similarity but all that fills me is the void created by your distance. a feeling of dread overwhelms me. i attempt futilely to delay the inevitable. you start to waltz away. the movement is beautiful, the intent, malicious. i don't need you anymore, you say. my shoulders sag with defeat. my knees buckle and i throw my head back in loud, convulsive sobs. you inch closer to me unapologetically.

i wake up and the room seems to engulf me. i'm back in the comfort of our bed. almost instinctively i reach out and touch you. you're fast asleep, your mind a million miles away. you let out a careless wheeze, an odd cough. i try to maneuver my arms around you, to pull you closer without waking you up. i snuggle up to you and drift away, back into sleep.

i wake up again and find myself lying on the same bed. i am lying alone. i scramble around for my phone and the light from the screen is strangely soothing. i apprehensively open the messages you've sent. i read with assurance. everything is going to be okay.

so everyone is full of insecurities. so am i. so sue me for being human. one day when the sun rises from the west, i'll start to believe i'm the greatest guy in the world, like how you feel when you tell me you love me. but despite all of my insecurities, when i look into your eyes, when i hear your voice whispering in my ear, when i feel your hand holding mine, i believe, for that short period of time that i am the luckiest, and i must be the greatest, guy in the world to have had you.

peyton : people always leave
lucas's reply : sometimes they come back

The irony of the whole idea is that i no longer fully believe in that anymore. At least, not till i met you. I used to misunderstand that it was beyond any power imaginable to keep things that time would eventually never fail to pry away. Grasping the truth was like holding your hand, an enlightenment, a new breath of fresh air, a sudden lease of life. Now i've found out, now i know. The effort put in may not always be worth the result but the everlasting, poetic smile on your face erases the fatigue and diminishes the toil. Not everyone always leaves, you're a keeper for life, i'm going to try to make that a reality.

The correlation between love and alcohol is insipid and macabre. It remains complicated to the naked eye, yet monosyllabic to all that understand.
I've been under the influence all my life. Rehabillitation was of no consolation. I tasted you on my lips at regular intervals but no matter how long it lasted, i've never stopped longing for more. The pride of staying sober never seemed comparable to the ecstasy of being intoxicated. It was a bane of choice, a long-suffering, bittersweet sojourn. I would never choose to turn back even as i knew it would remain a one-way street right from the first step. You transformed me into an addict. Yet i will always be a willing one.

"A cup of coffee or tea for you Sir?"
"Tea please, without milk or sugar, thank you."

Somewhere in flight overhead, crossing the oceans and continents, the stewardess interrupted my nostalgic thoughts with the question, the very same question so familiar to me now. The cup of tea that lay down in front of me reminded me of everything about you. The hard-earned luxury of sitting down somewhere in the alleys, sharing a laugh or two, were moments to savour.

You showed complexity, I refined simplicity. I watched as your drink transformed into a montage of different colours, delighting, stimulating the tastebuds and mine, remained unchanged, bitter and dull. The vast difference was obvious, even to the oblivious. We were leagues, centuries apart, you were far advanced and I would be left in the abyss down below.

The aroma that filled my nostrils were once accompanied by your intoxicating scent. Now, all that was left for me to savour is the lonesome cup of tea, a thorough reflection of my solitary self. Sipping the bittersweet tea, looking out the window, remembering that the direction I headed to was away from you. Yet there was nothing I could have done, for just like the tea without condiments, the tea that filled my tastebuds, I was plain and boring. You remained sophisticated, untouchable, incomparable and all that was left lingering, was your imaginary scent, your whimsical smile and the last portrait of you, me and our cups of teas.